How To Survive Any Horror Movie

Over the years there have been scary movies where people have died from killers due to their foolish tactics that gets them killed from the demonic psychopaths. Some people in horror movies set themselves up to be killed and it’s like, “What are you doing, don’t just stand there get out of here”! We’ve all seem them and we wonder to ourselves, “How stupid can they actually be”! Well I’m going to show you a series of steps to survive in the world of a horror movie.

1 1)      Don’t Have Sexual Intercourse – It doesn’t matter if you wear multiple condoms; there’s no such thing as safe sex in the world of scary movies. The monsters, killers, ghosts, demons, snakes and etc always find their way to the naked climaxing couple and kill them.

2 2)      Invest an IPod or CD player – Anyone in possession of a record player is destined for some type of terrifying encounter involving them. These records generally carry old, eerie melodies and will begin to skip or generate some type of freaky occurrence to fit the tune.

3 3)      Don’t Split Up – If some idiot suggests this, apply a generously forceful open hand to that person’s stupid face.

4 4)      Don’t Say “I’ll be back” – Trust me, you WON’T be back.

5 5)      Peepholes = off limits – Don’t look through that hole ever. Nothing good is on the other side; I promise.

6 6)      When It Gets Quiet, Avoid Walls and Doors – Don’t put your ear next to the wall to listen for the enemy or the rest of your head. A knife, ax or some other sharp weapon will come chopping through at any second.

7 7)      On Tripping – If you trip, don’t remain in that seated position; holding your ankle, whining about your knee scrapes. Attempt to stand back up on two feet and run.

8 8)      Noisy Hiders – If you’re hiding and there’s a hysterical person with you making too much noise, punch them in the face until they’re quiet or unconscious. Seriously, there’s no noisy whining or terrified moaning allowed when hiding from a killer.

9 9)      When You Hear Strange Sounds – It wasn’t “just the wind”. Don’t let anyone convince to ignore those noises, they are definitely something bad. But at the same time, don’t try to be a hero and take matters into your own hands.

1 10)   New Resident Protocol – Weird stuff happening at a house that you just moved into means you should probably bounce. Not probably, definitely. Remember, there are many places to live but only one soul of your own. If it gets possessed, you’re going to look pale, have bags under your eyes and become all angry and junk.

1 11)   Knock, Knock – It’s nighttime. Someone knocks at your door. You know you didn’t plan on having guests, what should you do? I’ll tell you what, ANYTHING BUT OPEN THE DOOR. Make pancakes, repaint the living room, pour baked beans on your television, whatever tickles your fancy as long as you aren’t turning knobs and opening doors.

1 12)    Lights – If you enter a room with flickering lights; stop, turn around and walk the opposite direction.

1 13)   Camera – Don’t let anyone bring a night vision capable camcorder around. Something about that greenish brings out the ghouls.

1 14)   Please Face Forward – If you’re in a room and a figure is seated with their back to you, turn toward the nearest exit and haul towards it. Even if you think you recognize the back of that head, don’t engage because when he/she/it turns around, the eyes will be rolled in the back of the head or the face distorted in some manner that will not be pleasant to look at.

1 15)   Put Away The Magnifying Glass – You don’t investigate. If fact, remove the word “investigate” from your vocabulary. This isn’t Scooby Doo and you’re not Sherlock Holmes, so don’t go sniffing for answers. Don’t even bother.

1 16)   All Eyes Are On You – If you’re isolated but if feels like somebody’s watching you, then somebody is. Don’t gaze around scared, doing a panicked, panoramic scan of your surroundings. Move yourself and run towards civilization.

1 17)   Don’t into dark places at all – Pretty much, you’re setting yourself up to the killers.

1 18)   More lights – If weird supernatural stuff that you have no control of is happening, turn on a lamp and sleep with the light on. Lamps are a ghost’s kryptonite.

1 19)   Kids, Twins and the Elderly – always be skeptical of kids, twins and old people. Don’t profile or discriminate, but treat them as if they’re surrounded by yellow ‘caution’ tape.

2 20)   NEVER check to see if the killer is dead – The initial shot or punch didn’t finish the opponent off. So don’t be surprised if your opponent is still alive.

Those were the steps to survive in the world of a horror movie. Now that you know the steps, you won’t die by the hands of the killer. But the question is would YOU be able to survive a scary movie even if I didn’t show you the steps?