Over the years there
have been scary movies where people have died from killers due to their foolish
tactics that gets them killed from the demonic psychopaths. Some people in
horror movies set themselves up to be killed and it’s like, “What are you
doing, don’t just stand there get out of here”! We’ve all seem them and we
wonder to ourselves, “How stupid can they actually be”! Well I’m going to show you
a series of steps to survive in the world of a horror movie.
1 1)
Don’t Have Sexual Intercourse – It
doesn’t matter if you wear multiple condoms; there’s no such thing as safe sex
in the world of scary movies. The monsters, killers, ghosts, demons, snakes and
etc always find their way to the naked climaxing couple and kill them.
2 2)
Invest an IPod or CD player – Anyone in
possession of a record player is destined for some type of terrifying encounter
involving them. These records generally carry old, eerie melodies and will
begin to skip or generate some type of freaky occurrence to fit the tune.
3 3)
Don’t Split Up – If some idiot suggests
this, apply a generously forceful open hand to that person’s stupid face.
4 4)
Don’t Say “I’ll be back” – Trust me, you
WON’T be back.
5 5)
Peepholes = off limits – Don’t look
through that hole ever. Nothing good is on the other side; I promise.
6 6)
When It Gets Quiet, Avoid Walls and
Doors – Don’t put your ear next to the wall to listen for the enemy or the rest
of your head. A knife, ax or some other sharp weapon will come chopping through
at any second.
7 7)
On Tripping – If you trip, don’t remain
in that seated position; holding your ankle, whining about your knee scrapes.
Attempt to stand back up on two feet and run.
8 8)
Noisy Hiders – If you’re hiding and
there’s a hysterical person with you making too much noise, punch them in the
face until they’re quiet or unconscious. Seriously, there’s no noisy whining or
terrified moaning allowed when hiding from a killer.
9 9)
When You Hear Strange Sounds – It wasn’t
“just the wind”. Don’t let anyone convince to ignore those noises, they are
definitely something bad. But at the same time, don’t try to be a hero and take
matters into your own hands.
1 10)
New
Resident Protocol – Weird stuff happening at a house that you just moved into
means you should probably bounce. Not probably, definitely. Remember, there are
many places to live but only one soul of your own. If it gets possessed, you’re
going to look pale, have bags under your eyes and become all angry and junk.
1 11)
Knock, Knock – It’s nighttime. Someone knocks
at your door. You know you didn’t plan on having guests, what should you do?
I’ll tell you what, ANYTHING BUT OPEN THE DOOR. Make pancakes, repaint the
living room, pour baked beans on your television, whatever tickles your fancy
as long as you aren’t turning knobs and opening doors.
1 12)
Lights – If you enter a room with flickering
lights; stop, turn around and walk the opposite direction.
1 13)
Camera
– Don’t let anyone bring a night vision capable camcorder around. Something
about that greenish brings out the ghouls.
1 14)
Please
Face Forward – If you’re in a room and a figure is seated with their back to
you, turn toward the nearest exit and haul towards it. Even if you think you
recognize the back of that head, don’t engage because when he/she/it turns
around, the eyes will be rolled in the back of the head or the face distorted
in some manner that will not be pleasant to look at.
1 15)
Put
Away The Magnifying Glass – You don’t investigate. If fact, remove the word
“investigate” from your vocabulary. This isn’t Scooby Doo and you’re not
Sherlock Holmes, so don’t go sniffing for answers. Don’t even bother.
1 16)
All
Eyes Are On You – If you’re isolated but if feels like somebody’s watching you,
then somebody is. Don’t gaze around scared, doing a panicked, panoramic scan of
your surroundings. Move yourself and run towards civilization.
1 17)
Don’t
into dark places at all – Pretty much, you’re setting yourself up to the
killers.
1 18)
More
lights – If weird supernatural stuff that you have no control of is happening,
turn on a lamp and sleep with the light on. Lamps are a ghost’s kryptonite.
1 19)
Kids,
Twins and the Elderly – always be skeptical of kids, twins and old people.
Don’t profile or discriminate, but treat them as if they’re surrounded by
yellow ‘caution’ tape.
2 20)
NEVER
check to see if the killer is dead – The initial shot or punch didn’t finish
the opponent off. So don’t be surprised if your opponent is still alive.
Those
were the steps to survive in the world of a horror movie. Now that you know the
steps, you won’t die by the hands of the killer. But the question is would YOU
be able to survive a scary movie even if I didn’t show you the steps?